linuxmafia.com 2013/2013.06.linuxmafia.com/linuxmafia.com/pub/humour/wichert/tips for women

Text File | 2000-04-28 | 7KB | 137 lines

Tips for women
- Can you please have the decency to put the toilet seat UP after use?
- Don't ask us to hold your purse in the shopping mall. We would look silly.
- Shopping is not a way to pass time but to waste time
- If we ask if you can setup a threesome with you and your best friend it
  is a joke. Unless the answer is yes, in which case we would also want to
  tape it.
- if you REALLY want a good guy, don't go out with cute bastards all the
  time. It's or/or with us. Just as with you.
- the man is ALWAYS in charge of the campfire, the barbecue or the grill
- money is not the same as love. Just as diamants and other jewelry
- every attempt from a man to prepare food, no matter how pathetic (
  soup from a can, microwave dinner, getting fast-food) should be greeted
  with lots of admiration and praise, just like the first steps from a baby
- male models with perfect bodies are all gay. Just accept that.
- he heard you the first time
- You know, you could ask him out once. It's not like that is an offense..
- If you really want us to be honest, don't ask questions to which you
  want an honest answer
- Of course he would like another beer.
- Men don't always have to sleep on the wet spot
- Dogs good. Cats bad.
- Cat good. Six cats bad.
- Testicle-related injuries are NEVER funny
- If he has to watch `Not without my daughter', you have to watch
  `Die hard with a vengeance'
- Blackadder IS fun
- Don't dare to question are built-in sense of navigation by unexpectedly
  asking strangers for directions
- He did not look at that girl. Okay, maybe a little. Okay, he looked!
  So? Don't you ever look at other men?
- He is the funniest, strongest, most handsome and succesfull man you
  have ever met.
- And all your friends think so too. Especially the cute ones.
- Your (pick one:) butt/breasts/hair/makeup/legs look fine
- Excellent even. Can we drop this now?
- If you want a satisfying sex-live you really should NOT fake your
  orgasms
- It's not necessary to discuss your PMS with him. He doesn't discuss
  his shaving wounds with you either.
- Don't leave unmarked bottles (for example with hair-removal creme)
  laying around in the shower; everything there looks like shampoo.
- Our skin will take care of itself. Soap is plenty. Preferably unscented.
- One word: blowjobs. Learn it. Do it. Live it.
- Dirty laundry has different categories: clean/smells clean,
  clean/smells, dirty/smell clean, dirty/smells. We sort our laundry
  accordingly.
- This also explains the piles of laundry in the bathroom.
- Yes Daphne Deckers/Pamela Anderson/Astrid Joosten/Tatjana Simic is
  prettier then you. But Brad Pitt/Antiono Banderas/Keanu Reeves is
  prettier then us.
- Both since neither of us has a change with them, you might as well
  worry about someone in your own class.
- Of course size matters! His resembles a kids arm!
- Is it really so bad to ask in advance with a nervous voice if
  he `can be careful with that huge thing?'. Really, in the end
  you will benefit yourself!
- His (pick one:) baldness/beer-belly/thick glasses/impotence is cute
- We know you get horny from watching those soccer-players. But save
  it till halftime!
- He is not interested in `being friends'
- The best dates always start with the sentence (to be said by the
  woman): `You know, why don't we skip that expensive dinner and just
  stay here and have sex like crazy monkies?'
- We don't know on what time exactly we will call.
- Nagging is not sexy.
- Neither is crying
- One word: direction-indicator
- The answer: `I don't know, what do you want?' is NOT a good answer
  to the question what you would like to do this weekend.
- Never bring pets home as a surprise.
- Don't touch the remote control, we will press the button for you
  with great pleasure.
- Sports on TV is more important then stories about your girlfriends.
- No matter what you think we can stay at home by ourselves for a couple
  of hours
- Believe it or not, but we don't care what other think when we are drunk
- That you don't love me is acceptable. But as long as you spent my money
  I have a right to sex!
- No means no. Yes means yes. Silence means we can't interject.
- Sports News starts at 19:30 and lasts an hour. That is an excellent
  time to pay the bills, do the laundry or call your system.
- Two burgers and a beer during a soccermatch do fall in the category
  `going out for dinner'
- You see him during mornings and evenings. So why also call his work?
- Baldrick is the small one dressed in rags
- Is it that difficult to wear bra and panties with the same colour?
- You probably don't want to know what he is thinking of now
- Silence does not have to be filled with discussions over `us' and
  `the relation'.
- Things you can help with: looking for drivers for our new hardware,
  gardening, the crossword puzzle.
- Things we rather do by ourselves: determining the route, watching
  sports, playing cards, smoking cigars and choosing the beer.
- Socks are never presents. Not even when they are gift-wrapped.
- Shopping malls are designed so that next to shops with shower curtains,
  bed sheets and purses there are shops with speakers, tires or
  sport-articles. So lets not waste them.
- We don't know anything about purses. So don't ask.
- Yes, he really did water that plant, but the stupid thing died anyway.
  Nobody knows why. Such things just happen.
- Making a compromise is something else then him doing what you want
- Soccer International is a better magazine then Vogue. Accept that someday.
- Unless you want to track the carriers of Stave Ballesteros, Michael Jordan
  Arnold Schwarzenegger or Rowan Atkinson you should not expect from him
  to know what Hilary Clinton, Naomi or your mother are doing.
- Sex during weekdays is always welcomed. Talking three hours in advance
  is not.
- Going out for dinner is a good birthday gift. Two tickets for a soccer
  match are even better!
- No, he'll keep the remote control. Sorry.
- Sometimes he doesn't think about you. That's the way it is.
- Check the oil-level. Really, it is doable.
- Nothing makes it more clear that you love hem then sex after waking up.
  Besides, it's a shame to waste a morning hard-on.
- If we have to share are feelings with you, at least share some closet
  and sink-space with us.
- No, he doesn't know why today is a special day. He'll never know either.
  You should mark those things on the calendar!
- Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
- Crying is blackmail.
- You already have enough clothes
- You have too many shoes
- You don't need a haircut. Ever again.
- Don't make us guess
- Seventeen months of headaches is a problem. Go see a doctor
- Non-english movies are better left to non-english people
- Everything you wear looks fine. Really.
- `Have it your way' is not an acceptable way to end an argument.
- Not you, nor him is benefited by doing the cosmo quiz TOGETHER.
- If he really has to come along to Hunkemuller, for gods sake don't
  leave him by himself. All the old ladies will look mean at him.
- Leave some of the blanket for us.
- Despite towering evidence to the contrary in bars and fraternities
  not all men are creatures who have to be treated with disrespect.